10 Reasons Why I don’t use dating sites

Myspace? Eharmony? American Singles? Christian Mingle? I’ll pass on them all. I’m completely uninterested. I’m convinced that its all just a waste of time. None of the seasonal “discounts” on membership can change my mind on this.  Why, you ask? Well, let me give you 10 reasons why I don’t use dating sites

Reason#1: The Diva


She’s light years beyond vanity…even Webster couldn’t define her pride. Guys can send her comments but she’ll never respond. Email? Ditto.  Her arrogance ascends above the clouds and is only rivaled by Hollywood’s elite. New pics are uploaded to her profile daily…and they all center around her. She’s got the “Jezebel spirit” on lock down…lol. Believe me.

She has no desire to date any of the gazillion guys who swarm her profile page. No desire at all. Her one goal is to be worshiped. She demands it. Any man who refuses this,will find himself deleted from her “top five”.

Reason #2: The pornado


The porn-ado is designed to break the will of a man. All men. If you’ve been surfing dating sites, than you already know what I’m talking about. Advertisements of scantily clad women, hit the computer screen harder than KATRINA. But, be alarmed, because this “storm” destroys you spiritually.

Reason #3:The Bait and Switch

This could’ve easily been “number 1”. Nothing is more frustrating than being set up by some girl online. believe me. It all goes down like this: A guy meets a girl online and they just “click”. She’s got all the right aspirations, a cool sense of humor and a profile pic like this:


The guy, then, arranges to meet up with her so they can get to know each other in person, but when they see each other for the first time…she looks more like this:


hahaha…congratulations! you’re now a victim of the “bait – n – switch”!

Reason#4: The Obsession


Everybody gets hit with this one, at one time or another, but nobody is gonna admit it…lol. The “obsession” is when you’re constantly checking your emails to see if the person you’re interested in has responded to the email that you sent them, yesterday. This can kinda get ridiculous as you find yourself checking your emails frequently. Things get even worse when you notice you’ve got a new email..but when you check it…you realize its not from the person you really want to talk with. Dang!

Reason#5: The Price


Some of these sites have the nerve to charge 30 bucks a month for membership. I know a guy who paid more than $400 to keep his membership on a dating site. No joke. When I heard of it…my first thought was…dang…”you might as well buy a mail-order bride”..hahahaha

Reason #6: Captcha


Okay, imagine this: you’re on your favorite dating site. You just wrote an amazingly clever email. You’ve edited it ruthlessly. You’re proud of your work. You get ready to send it off but…after you click “send”… a warning sign pops up on your computer. You, then, read the following words: “Before we send this email you must verify yourself by typing these words”. This warning is followed by a crazy looking image…


You attempt to type the words, but you fail miserably. You try again. same results. A third time? Failed again. Your email is now a distant memory. As of now, you’re only thoughts are: “Should I throw my computer at the wall or out the window”

Reason #7: The Nigerian Scammers


Nigeria may not have a fair distribution of wealth or a democracy but the locals there have mastered internet scamming. This scam is very similar to the “bait n switch”, in that, you’d think you were connecting online with someone of your liking but, instead, you’re being scammed out of your money by a Nigerian thief in an distant internet cafe. Nigerian scammers swarm dating sites. All of them. They make fake dating profiles, pretending to be young beautiful singles. They build relationships fast and, after gaining trust, they hustle many out of their money. They’ll pretend to be a single missionary who’s trapped overseas, needing money to fly back home or even a single young woman who needs money to remain on a dating site. They’ll try anything and everything.

Reason# 8: The Essays (they never end)


I love to write. I really do. I can write about anything… from my faith in Christ to the  “seemingly-permanent” stains on the living room carpet. anything. However, nothing invokes writer’s-block like the dozens of paragraphs required on a dating profile. They never end. Likes. Dislikes. Character traits. blah, blah, blah. So many questionnaires to fill out…I don’t have time for this crap..lol

Reason#9: The E-Harmony Commercials


If I hear that stupid piano melody one more time…

Reason#10: The “Kip” Factor


Everyone who saw “Napoleon Dynamite” knows exactly where I’m going with this…


C’mon man…nobody wants to have to admit that they found “the one” the same way “Kip” did!


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Comments
2 Responses to “10 Reasons Why I don’t use dating sites”
  1. Mary Lee says:

    This is HILARIOUS! Esp. the ”jezebel spirit” LOL! Very good points. So did u learn by experience my friend? 😉

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