How to Open Mints in a Pentecostal Church

At a pentecostal church in Grand Prairie, the “offering prayer” had just ended; it was now time to collect the tithes and offering.

Purses unzipped.

Wallets unfolded.

Envelopes were licked.

Pens were hard to find.

So much was going on as people prepared to give to the Lord. As always, I had already given my tithes via the church’s website, so I used this time for other things: opening mints.

I reached into my pocket, bypassing lint, keys and chapstick and pulled out a couple of cinnamon peppermints. After a few seconds of trying to open one of ’em, I noticed an usher standing in front of our aisle with a napkin in her hand.

She ordered the guys sitting on my pew to pass the napkin. As the napkin passed down our aisle, I thought:

“Hmmm…this sure is a weird way of picking up the offering”

When the napkin reached me, I grabbed it and was planning to pass it on, but my neighbor stopped me:

Neighbor: that’s for you.

Jamal: what?

Neighbor: that napkin is for you.

Jamal: whatd’ya mean?

Neighbor: the usher wants you to hand over your mints and place them on the napkin

Jamal: are you kidding me? for what?

Neighbor: we’re not allowed to have mints and gum during the service.

I looked up at the usher and, by the look of her face, it was clear: she meant business

Only a fool would test “Big Mama’s” patience….lol. I had no other choice….

I surrendered the mints.

The napkin was quickly gathered and “Big Mama” walked back to her seat – with swagger, of course!

I felt violated: “Why would a church have such a silly rule?”, i thought. “How did she hear me open mints from waaay back there?” “How am I supposed to enjoy the service with cotton-mouth?”…lol

These questions got me motivated. motivated to beat the system! I’ve come up with 3 tips on how to open mints in a pentecostal church – without getting caught!

Tip# 1: Choose the Right Mints

This tip isn’t about flavors. It’s about noise. You see, the female ushers in pentecostal churches are like golden retrievers: they hear just about everything. So, the mints that make a lot of crackling sounds…

…should definitely be avoided.

Instead, opt for more of a quiet wrapper (i.e. hotel mints)

The quieter you are…the better. Trust me, you don’t want “Big Mama” to come to your aisle with a napkin…lol

Tip #2: Always bring extra mints

Okay, I’ll admit it. This tip has nothing to do with opening mints. But, bringing extra is absolutely crucial. “Why”, you ask? Well, it’s quite simple: in every church, there’s always that one guy who’s breath smells like the “toe jam” of a Dragon…lol.

I aint lying. Sometimes, it’s the parking lot guy. Other times, it’s the dude that plays the organ. But, usually, its one of the deacons. The same deacon who wants to pray for ya for more than 5 min.

yup. that guy.

Next time you see him…make sure he gets his weekly dosage of breath mints.

Tip #3: Wait  for “Sistah Jackson” to catch the Holy Ghost!

Now that you’ve got your mints, all you need is a little diversion. And, as long as “Sistah Jackson” shows up to church that Sunday, you’ll have one! Every pentecostal church has a “Sistah Jackson”. This lady is usually a single mother in her late 30’s who dresses nice and sits at the end of the pew. She’s polite and soft-spoken until the pastor gets to the end of his sermon. Around that time, she goes bananas! She jumps out her seat, takes off her heels and runs around the church screaming her lungs out….lol. Some people call her show a ” praise break” while others call it “catchin’ the Holy Ghost”. Here’s a few examples of ” Sistah Jackson” doin’ her thang!…

…it gets better…lol

…last one

lol…when “Sistah Jackson” starts to bust a move, “Big Mama”  and her “soldiers” (the other ushers) will have no choice but to gather to the front of the church and help Sistah Jackson calm down. This is your opportunity!

Open your mints and enjoy!

One Response to “How to Open Mints in a Pentecostal Church”
  1. Acidri says:

    Good one will try that out this sunday…if i get caught brother i will say, “Jamal started it”. If it works out….i will dance harder than Sistah Jackson.

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